Dave and Yann

“Being married is something that kids really understand. And now we can tell them we are married.”

I met with Dave and Yann on a weekday evening as they were getting Albert, their two year old, and Thomas, their one year old, ready for bed with the help of Yann’s aunt Consuelo who was visiting from Venezuela.

Albert, Dave, Yann, and Thomas


Dave and Yann met on April 20, 2002. Dave saw Yann at a bar and told the friend he was with how cute he thought Yann was. But Dave was shy, so his friend approached Yann for him. “Yeah, he was very shy,” says Yann with a laugh. “I think I spoke more with your friends than with you that night.”

Still, they connected and Yann invited Dave over for dinner later that week. “I actually made sushi and crème brulee, which was not easy. But it must have been convincing enough because he came back!” Dave was packing to leave for a business trip the next day and he was gone for a week. For the first few months, Dave was gone “it seemed like every other week. And I was wondering if it was ever going to be more than a couple of days at a time.”

They dated for about a year and a half before they moved in together. They stayed at their apartment in the city for another year and a half before they started looking for a house in anticipation of adopting children.

In 2004 when the weddings began in San Francisco, “I guess we took too long to think about it. We weren’t sure we wanted to do it in a rush, and we wanted to have our families there. And then the weddings were cancelled. We figured we would do it next time if there was a next time.”

In 2005, “we had our own kind of commitment ceremony between the two of us.” Yann’s work was sending him to Philadelphia a week out of every month. Because he was gone so much, “we decided we wanted to do something special. We decided to have a ring exchange.” Neither formally proposed, “but we talked about making it formal, doing something that really shows that we are together.” Yann cooked dinner and “we exchanged some words that I don’t remember at the moment." Yann laughs, "Tragic! Nothing like having kids to lose all of your memory,” and then continues, “We did promise that we would be there for each other forever.” Dave says, “It was our own little commitment ceremony. Very private. But we also talked about what our wedding would look like if we were to have one. It would involve our family and our friends.”

Having children “had always been something that both Dave and I knew we wanted. We discussed it on our second date.” Dave adds, “That was one of the big things that attracted me to Yann, was that he wanted a family, the same thing that I wanted.” As Dave is talking, Albert grabs for the recorder and Yann pulls him away and tells him “No.” Albert looks at Yann and Yann adds, mockingly stern, “being cute will not get you out of it.” Albert smiles, climbs in between Yann and David and snuggles in.



In 2004 they began trying to adopt. They registered as domestic partners then because “they told us that it would look more favorable on our home study if we showed the commitment to the domestic partnership. We were holding out for marriage but we did the domestic partnership for that.”

The first agency lost some of their paperwork and after a year and a half told them that they did not present a good case for adoption because Yann, who is from Venezuela, did not yet have his green card though he was in the country legally. They switched to another agency who told them that Yann’s status was not a problem. Within 8 months they were matched with Albert. “The happiest day of our lives. He was 9 months old when we brought him home. And we had him for 3 months when we got a call from his county social worker saying ‘Albert’s baby brother was born. Would you consider opening your home and your hearts to him?’ ”

They knew that they wanted to adopt a second child, and were still discussing it when the call came. They had assumed that they would finalize Albert’s adoption and then begin the process again. But now, “Albert is going to get to grow up with his biological brother and that is really important.” They first saw Thomas when he was 4 days old and brought him home when he was 10 days old. “I am so glad that we got to experience what we didn’t with Albert.”

At the adoption


They have taken the boys to Venezuela, “And family comes from all parts of the country to see the boys. It’s the same thing when we take them to New Mexico,” where Dave’s family lives. Yann relates, “When I came out, it wasn’t easy of course. But especially with my dad. For two years we didn’t talk to each other. And he had been slowly warming up. He knew Dave, and loved him, but he was still distant. But when the kids came it was a completely different story. I think people still have a hard time understanding the notion of a gay couple. But a gay family is a family. For my dad there was no ambiguity about what a family is. It immediately made sense. I’ve never seen him so natural and relaxed and easy as when he came to visit us and the kids.”

In 2008, when the news came that they could get married, Yann says, “This time we weren’t going to waste any time. The minute the Supreme Court made its decision, we called each other and said, ‘okay, do you want to do this’ and I started looking for the first appointment.” Dave’s parents and nephew were going to be in San Francisco for vacation around the middle of June. Yann called “every county in the Bay Area to find an appointment while Dave’s parents and nephew were still here.” But, Yann says, “My parents couldn’t come. My father was working and my mother was taking care of my niece.”

They got married at 5:00 on June 17 at San Francisco City Hall on the Mayor’s balcony. “That was such an amazing experience.”

Not only were Dave’s parents and nephew there, but the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus, with whom Yann sings, were planning to be at City Hall that day “at 5:30 to sing for the weddings that were going on. They snuck in early and there were 30 or 40 of my friends who sang for us. They sang ‘Irish Blessing’, which is one of the significant songs of the Chorus. We sing it when you join the chorus or leave, if you bring your parents to hear the Chorus we sing it for your parents. If you get married we sing it for you. So they sang that for us.” Dave says, “We were each holding one of the boys. We were so nervous that day, we forgot Thomas’ bottle. While we were in the middle of reciting our vows, Albert whacked his brother on the head. So Thomas was wailing.” Both men smile at the memory of the day, wailing child and all.

Dave says, “I always wanted to get married but didn’t know what it would look like. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect wedding. The energy that day in City Hall, the celebration that was going on. It was perfect. I had asked my 13-year old nephew to stand in for me as my witness. Before we went down to City Hall I told him, ‘You know, there may be protesters.’ And he looked at me and said, ‘Bring ‘em on!’ ” “After the ceremony we came out of City Hall and lots of friends were there waiting for us,” Yann says, “you felt special that day. Everybody at City Hall was so nice and helpful. Somebody at every step made you feel really special. It wasn’t a Vegas wedding, that’s for sure!”


They went to dinner with friends, “and then we had to go home early because we had to put the boys to bed,” says Yann with a laugh. “It was great. And the fact that we were able to have our kids there was great.” Dave says, “It was a great moment.”

Even before they got married, Yann says, “We really didn’t like the word partner, and we wondered how to present each other. ‘Lover’ is too romance novel from the 18th century. ‘Partner’ is too business-like. So we started using husband.”

Since getting married, Dave says, “our relationship feels more cemented. We had the rings and we had verbally committed to each other. But the fact that we have a marriage license just cements it more for me.” Yann says, “Even though I was using the word ‘husband’ before, now, legally, he’s my husband. Whether it’s upheld is a different story. But legally, at least for this month, he is my husband. In my heart he will always be. But now when I say that to people they can’t say, ‘well, that doesn’t exist.’ I say, ‘I’m sorry, I have a paper to show for it.’ Also, for the kids. Being married is something that kids really understand. And now we can tell them we are married. We can tell them, ‘your parents are married, and you were there.’ ”

They wonder what the future holds for their marriage, legally. “I guess that was the first one. We’ll see if we have to have another one. I hope we don’t. If we could get federal recognition I would go for that one.” Dave adds, “Then we’ll have a real ceremony.” “Yeah, if we could plan and have a little more time, and more family. If we could have the Venezuelan and French side of the family there that would be nice.”

I ask what words they would use to describe their relationship, and Dave says, “Complete. I would say, complete is the word. I’ve got complete love. I’ve got a complete family.” Yann says, “in the words of Mama Cass, ‘There’s something groovy and good in whatever we’ve got.’ If it’s one word I would have to choose ‘tender.’ There is tenderness in everything. Even our arguments have tenderness. There is love all the time; for ourselves, for our kids. It feels that way. When you come home, all the harshness of outside you leave outside and things are mellow and smooth.” Dave adds, “My favorite moment of the day is to walk through that door,” and Yann completes the thought: “and these two guys,” and he nods at Albert and Thomas, “run and jump and yell, ‘Daddy!’ It’s great.”

Yann and Thomas